Bernie: A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a fair and balding maiden – let’s call her…oh say… “Bernie-ella” – who decided to run for President  Though Bernie-ella was an annoyance, for sure – like a gnat flying around one’s head – none of the kings or queens in the ruling kingdom of Wall Street considered Bernie-ella a real concern or threat, or invested any time or money in dealing with her. Bernie was just an outlier… I mean… WAY on the outside of any cloistered round table meetings, or mass herald trumpeting, or any pollster’s bell curve. All the kings and queens in the Land of Wall Street assumed if they ignored her she’d just go away, and they could get on with their REAL business – bringing in more gold and silver to the Wall Street treasury.

But, weirdly, “Bernie” didn’t go away.

Bypassing the established highways and byways, trumpets and heralds, she rode her red-white-and-blue festooned donkey into lands called “Tweet” and “Facebook” and “WordPress” and spread her message:

  • A livable wage for workers
  • Access to essential health care for EVERYone, regardless of their income, gender,or ethnicity
  • Banning corporations and non-profits from contributing to political campaigns
  • Recognizing global climate change is a real threat, caused by humans, and proposing that corporations be charged for carbon emissions created in their industries
  • Free admission for students at state colleges

And BECAUSE she bypassed the kings and queens and their trumpets and heralds – BECAUSE the trumpeters and heralds had been ordered by their Wall Street owners not to cover “Bernie” or her shenanigans – she was not targeted for any negative press. And, lo and verily, her popularity increased in the lands of Tweet and Facebook and WordPress.

U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders, an independent from Vermont and 2016 Democratic presidential candidate, speaks during a campaign event at the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena in Los Angeles, California, U.S., on Monday, Aug. 10, 2015. Some 27,000 people descended Monday night on the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena, which has hosted acts such as Madonna and Pink Floyd, to hear from a raspy-voiced 73-year-old who has become the 2016 political season's breakout star. Photographer: Patrick T. Fallon/Bloomberg via Getty Images

The kings and queens of Wall Street now realized they’d made an error in their calculations. Bernie-ella could no longer be ignored. They began digging back in Bernie’s history to see what scandals they might find – torrid affairs with interns, shifting stands on the issues,  bribery or blackmail – that kind of thing.  They found Bernie, like about 50 percent of all Americans, had once gone through a divorce. They discovered she’d  had a son out of wedlock in 1969. But these were not the kind of things that would cause Bernie-ella’s supporters to drop her. Furthermore, Bernie had been married since 1988 to the same spouse, and not the speckiest speck of scandal had been found during their 27 years of marriage.

This was a little disappointing to the royalty of Wall Street, but not the end of the world. If no actual scandal was found, they could always just make one up.

And so the kings and queens of Wall Street thought and thought and thought and one day one of those royal crooks hit upon an idea: “Let’s herald it about that Bernie-ella is a racist!” she said. “It doesn’t matter if Bernie actually is one or not, let’s trumpet that meme out there and see where it goes!” This was a diabolical and clever scheme, for the royal crook knew that those who supported Bernie for President were the very same people who supported equal rights for people of all races, ethnicities, gender orientations, religions, and non-religions. What would Bernie’s supporters do if the meme that he was a racist took root and grew? The Wall Street kings and queens rubbed their hands together in gleeful anticipation, looking forward to seeing how it all played out…

Note to Self: Turn off the News and Wake Up

Last night as the family sat around the television watching the evening news, our son Xander suddenly stood up – like he’d just awakened from a dream or something – and, shaking his head to clear it, said, “What the hell just happened there? We went from, like, 20 reports of death and mayhem to winning a prom date with Seth Rogen…”

Adventures of the Madcap Christian Scientist

Last night as the family sat around the television watching the evening news, our son Xander suddenly stood up – like he’d just awakened from a dream or something – and, shaking his head to clear it, said, “What the hell just happened there? We went from, like, 20 reports of death and mayhem to winning a prom date with Seth Rogen…”

We all started cracking up, but after we’d stopped laughing, I started thinking about what Xander had said, and it gave me pause.

Lately it’s felt to me like… well, like our society is under some kind of mass hypnotic spell or something – like there’s this sort of slow-boiling rage and fear continually swirling around us now. I’ve felt it in myself when I’m trying to negotiate traffic to get to work on time – this impatience with the drivers around me who aren’t doing what I think they should be doing…

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