Resolutions

I resolve to learn the fine art of being slippery when it comes to resolutions – i.e., I will whole-heartedly endeavor to couch all my words in ways that will make it easy for me to get around actually making resolutions.  With this guiding resolution in mind –

1) I resolve to be more patient with the people I want to be more patient with.

2) I resolve to get back that girlish figure – similar to the one I had five minutes ago, before I got it in my noggin that it might be a good idea  to eat that entire box of chocolate raspberry truffles.  (Note that “girlish” is a relative term here, and can easily be got around when it comes to someone trying to pin me down with specifics  –  I mean, I very carefully did not say MY girlish figure [which might actually require some work on my part] – but THAT girlish figure – and for all you know I could be describing Buddy Hackett’s girlish figure here. I know. I’m in awe of my lack of resolution, too).

3) I resolve to cut down on the chocolate and Starbucks, and might even think about going a day or two or three without either.

4) I resolve to think about giving more to the causes that matter, and less to those that don’t. (In other words, politicians and political parties probably shouldn’t waste any more of their money sending me fliers and calling my home.)

5) Segueing from #4: I resolve to really put more thought into my bid for presidency of this greatish nation (ha! – try saying THAT really fast – “greatish nation”).

6) I resolve to know when I have nothing more to say about resolutions and to just shut up.

Wishing all you wonderful Humoristian hooligans a most spectacular new year! May your resolutions be merry and light, and may your new year be bright with possibilities!

–Popellina Karen Wingoov

P.S. The Humoristian Chronicles can now be found in print form on Amazon.com! Yee haw!

Ode to Boxing Day

It’s a humble holiday, tucked in between

Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s really keen.

Yeah, things look a little bedgraggled, it’s true

The tree’s a little droopy and no longer new

The movies and music of the Christmas season

Are getting on our nerves now, and we’re seeing no reason

To eat even one more sugary oversweet sweet

It’s time for broccoli and carrots (but maybe hold on the beets)

The pressue for perfection comes off on this day,

The toys have been opened, and it’s come time to play.

And if before we were wearing faux holiday cheer

To blend in with the others and not Scooge-y appear

It’s time now to be genuine, and honest and real

The food banks are empty, people still need a warm meal

The homeless and hungry and jobless and alone

Still need love and caring, still need a home.

So maybe we can celebrate the day after Christmas –

By keeping the spirit of hope alive, we might make that our business.

****

Happy Boxing Day, my dear hooligan Humoristians! Let’s continue in our conspiracy to spread good will and humorisity in a world desperate for cheer!

Popellina Wingoov Karen I

Joy to the World!

The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. – Robert Ingersoll

I believe we’re on earth to delight each other, make each other laugh, and to infuse one another with His joy. Why not? What’ve we got better to do? – Burt Rosenberg, Maryland

Stop complaining about the management of the universe. Look around for a place to sow a few seeds of happiness. – Henry Van Dyke

Happiness is spiritual, born of Truth and Love. It is unselfish; therefore it cannot exist alone, but requires all mankind to share it. – Mary Baker Eddy

Think of all the beauty that’s still left in and around you and be happy! – Anne Frank

Be happy while you’re living, for you’re a long time dead. – Scottish Proverb

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Happiness depends upon ourselves. – Aristotle

When I meet people from other cultures I know that they too want happiness and do not want suffering, this allows me to see them as brothers and sisters. – Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy. – Cynthia Nelms

You have a right to succeed in everything that it is right for you to do. – Edward A. Kimball

Out of the silent, silver moon,
Out of the mist of the Milky Way,
Out of the gleams of the sentry stars,
Out of the after-day –

Out of the wonderful songs of birds,
Out of the storm-wind’s whistling throes,
Out of the living green of fields,
Out of the bloom of the rose –

Out of the music laughter holds,
Out of the lips with kisses curled –
Boundless assurances everywhere,
Out of the joy of the world.
– Max Ehrmann

Merry Christmas and happy New Year and happy whatever-it-is you-celebrate-when-the-days-start-being-filled-with-more-light! May Life bless you with all good, and may your days be filled with laughter and love and peace and good will towards all creation, and infinite joy!

Waiting for Christmas…

The kitsch and spangles and baubles and bangles,

And department store Santa, just really can’ta

Seem to bring me the spirit of Christmas.

And I’ve been waiting to feel it – the real Christmas spirit

Hoping it’d come by now.

The stockings are stuffed, the tree is all buffed,

The cookies are baked and frosted and fluffed –

But there’s still something missing – a feeling, a tingling

that’s supposed to come every Christmas.

Except…

Maybe that Christmas feeling, that energy and tingling

Is something I can have every day –

It doesn’t depend on spangles, or jingle-bell jangles

Or jolly men dressed all in red.

It comes in the sharing of laughter and caring

And the comfort in words with love said:

To all – Peace! Joy! Hope!

Every moment of every day.

—–

Dear Humoristian hooligans,

May your days be merry and bright and filled with humorosity. May you shine your light of joy and good humor upon all you meet. May you feel the joy of life and be-ing every moment of every day.

Life bless you richly, my friends!

Karen

Wingoov for President!

Yes, my friends, I believe the time has come to announce my candidacy for President of these great United State of America.  I know most of you have… umm… that is to say, a great many of you… well, certainly some of you… or… I’m pretty sure there’s got to be at least one crackpot… I mean… individual…  who has long awaited this announcement.  So I give you leave to blow your kazoo and doff your groucho glasses and throw festive confetti (no, no, not the shredded newspapers from the bottom of the hamster cage … surely you can find something else…oh, never mind…) into the air with wild abandon, for now is the time for celebration.  THE WINGOOV HAS ARRIVED.

After learning that my representative voted “aye” in support of “indefinite detention” of American citizens for crimes they have not been publicly tried or convicted of (I know – dangling “of” – but frankly, we’ve all got bigger things to worry about right now), and for crimes that have not yet even been committed, I have come to the conclusion that it is time for a change in the members of our nation’s law-making body.  It is time, in other words, to fire ‘em.  They are, after all, our employees.  They are supposed to be working for us in a government “of the people, by the people, and FOR the people.” We hired them to protect our constitutional rights, and to keep our economy solvent and functioning.  But they are not doing their jobs.

So I propose you elect … well… me, actually…to lead our nation’s government. I mean. Seriously. How much worse could I be than the fellows we’ve had in there for the last 30 years?

Let’s just put out there right from the get-go where I stand on the issues, shall we?

The Economy:

“Trickle down” is a big, fat crock. It’s never worked, and it never will. History has shown that whenever we try to solve our nation’s economic woes by shoveling out billions of dollars to CEOs, that money is rarely going to make it to the rest of us.  I know. Hard to believe.  But there you have it:  The top 2% actually seem to like being in the top 2%.

The Environment:

There’s a proposal by Goldman Sachs to bring 1.5-mile-long open-container coal trains up the western part of Washington State every hour on the hour. These trains will be passing through one of the most beautiful parts of the world – a place of rich farmland, and an abundance of marine life, and wild birds. These trains would have a huge impact on the quality of life here, on the local produce, on the fish and wildlife and on the value of property.

Why would anyone support this proposal? It’s not going to bring much in the way of economic gain to most of us.  It is, however, going to bring economic gain to the Goldman Sachs corporation, and to Warren Buffet.  Yeah, I know. I thought Buffet was one of the good guys, too, until I heard about his involvement in the coal train debacle. Our governor also wants the coal trains coming through our state.  As in most environmental battles, the coal train proposal is all about short term gain.

If our state needs money, tax us. But don’t compromise our long-term quality of life for short-term gain.

If I were President, I’d propose that we pay people to clean up our environment, not to destroy it.

Here’s a photo gallery of some of the people who would be affected by this proposal, the People of Bellingham Bay: http://bellinghambayblog.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/the-people-of-bellingham-bay-boardwalk/

And here’s a photo gallery of some of the flora and fauna of Bellingham Bay: http://bellinghambayblog.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/flora-and-fauna-of-bellingham-bay/

Gay Marriage:

I believe that every citizen of this nation, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientiation, should have the exact same rights as every other citizen – and that includes the right of consenting adults to marry the person they love.  Nothing else to say about that, really.

War in the Middle East:

Why are we there, really? We weren’t attacked by any one country on September 11th, 2011.  We were attacked by an international group of terrorists.  So why are we attacking whole nations?

You can’t ever bring real peace to the world by blasting it all to hell. The way to bring real peace – positive peace, as opposed to negative peace (which is just the absence of war) – is to work together with other nations on problems we have in common – problems with the environment, for instance – things we all share, like the air we breathe and the water that touches the shores of every continent.  Meddling in other nations’ politics and government, trying to force others to adopt the same way of life we have, although maybe well-intentioned, is not going to bring peace.  We can support other nations as they work towards social justice within their borders, but we have no business leading the charge.  The people of a nation need to be allowed to do that for themselves, to take ownership of their own affairs.

****

Okay, that’s a start. Maybe tomorrow I’ll talk some about abortion and health care. Or maybe not.  Probably what I should REALLY be doing if I want to get ready to be president is learning how to play golf.  My golf balls tend to veer a little to the left…

Karen “Wingoov” Molenaar Terrell

Duct Tape and Bubble Wrap for the Holidays

Duct tape. I just love saying those two words: Duct tape. When you pronounce it, do you actually say the “t” at the end of duct? Or do you pronounce it “duck “ tape?  I myself find that alternating pronunciations works well for me.

On a recent outing to the local supermarket, I was elated to discover that duct tape now comes in assorted colors, and that you can even buy rolls of it with pretty little designs imprinted on it. This was something that some friends and I had actually been talking about inventing a year ago, but never pursued. We’d probably be raking in the bucks now, though, if we’d followed through on that idea. I mean, just think of it! Now one doesn’t need to actually buy any wrapping paper at all! We can wrap all our presents in the glories of festive duct tape, and call it good.

Of course, when wrapping a present in duct tape you might want to place a strip of bubble wrap in between the tape and the gift – this will help prevent the duct tape from sticking to the gift in a most unattractive fashion, and it will also give the recipient of your gift the pleasure of more bubble wrap to pop during the holidays. In fact. Hell. Just forget the gift altogether, and decorate a huge wad of bubble wrap in fancy duct tape, and watch your loved one’s eyes shine as she rips away the tape to find bubble wrap waiting for her eager fingers!

Let’s make the holidays easy on ourselves this year, my friends.  No more hours spent methodically cutting up wrapping paper to just the right size – which, in the end, never seems to be just the right size. No more getting pieces of transparent tape stuck in places you never intended for it to go. No more fussing with ribbons and bows. No more worrying about how to wrap things like basketballs and guitars.  Bring the magic of duct tape and bubble wrap into your homes this Christmas, and enjoy the season like never before!